Pets, Plants & Other Roommates

If you live with an animal or a plant, you've asked one of these out loud. They didn't answer. We did.

251. Does my cat know I pay the rent?

Your cat believes it pays the rent, in purrs. You're a tenant who stays as long as the bowl stays full. In the cat's records, you are listed as "Staff, Food and Doors." Your lease is renewed every morning when you stumble into the kitchen at 5:30 a.m. and fill the bowl. If you're late, you'll receive a formal notice: a loud meow, a paw on your face or a single sock knocked into the toilet. The cat also charges a fee for sitting on your lap, which is paid in the form of you not being allowed to stand up for two hours.

252. Why does my dog spin before lying down?

It's an ancient instinct for flattening grass and checking for snakes. In your living room, the only snake is the vacuum cord. Your dog's ancestors lived in the wild, where bedtime meant stomping down tall grass into a cozy nest. Your dog, who sleeps on a memory-foam bed shaped like a donut, still does three full rotations every night, just in case there's a hidden scorpion in the fleece. Some dogs spin seven or eight times before giving up and flopping down wherever. If you spun in circles before getting into bed, people would worry. When your dog does it, it's adorable.

253. Can I teach my goldfish to fetch?

Goldfish really can be trained to swim through hoops. Fetch is harder, because the stick floats away and so does their interest. You throw a tiny stick into the bowl, it floats on the surface and the goldfish swims under it, looks up at it, looks at you and then goes back to staring at the little plastic castle. If you train long enough, a goldfish might nudge a small ball across the tank, which is basically fetch in the underwater world. Celebrate it. Few goldfish ever go professional, and none have been signed by a major league.

254. Do houseplants get lonely when I go on vacation?

They're fine. They spend the week gossiping about how you overwater them. The fern says you're smothering, the cactus says you're neglectful and the spider plant just quietly makes babies, which is its answer to everything. When you get back, they'll pretend to be droopy, just to make you feel guilty. One drink of water and they'll perk up immediately, like a dog at the sound of a treat bag. Plants are dramatic, but they know how to live alone. Honestly, they enjoy the quiet. It's the only week of the year nobody tries to repot them.

255. If I talk to my plants, will they talk back?

Not out loud. They grow slowly toward you, which is a plant's version of a hug. Some research suggests plants respond to vibrations, so your daily pep talks might actually be doing something. If not, they're doing something for you, which is just as good. Plants are excellent listeners. They never interrupt, never check their phone and never offer unsolicited advice. The tomato plant in particular loves gossip. Talk to it about your coworkers and it'll produce 30% more tomatoes, purely out of interest.

256. Is it weird that my cat stares at the wall?

She sees something you can't. Don't ask what. She won't tell you. It could be a tiny bug, a speck of dust in a sunbeam or a sound in the walls only she can hear. It could also be a portal to another dimension where cats are in charge, which, honestly, they already are. Cats stare at walls for up to 20 minutes at a time, tail twitching, then walk away as if nothing happened. Don't follow her gaze. You'll see nothing and feel strangely uneasy for the rest of the evening. That's exactly what she wanted.

257. Can a cactus be a cuddle buddy?

Technically yes, once. After that it's a long-distance relationship. A cactus is the most emotionally guarded plant in the world. It stores water, wears spikes and lives in deserts on purpose, all to avoid exactly this situation. Try a gentle wave instead, or a loving glance from across the room. Some cactuses grow small flowers, which is the cactus equivalent of a smile, and it only does that once a year, for the people who respect its boundaries. Give it sunlight, a bit of water and plenty of personal space.

258. Why does my parrot only repeat the embarrassing

things I say?

Parrots have excellent taste in content. Nobody wants to hear "I'm going to bed." Everyone wants to hear what you said when you stubbed your toe. Parrots are like tiny feathered reporters, collecting quotes and releasing them at the worst possible time: in front of your boss, your grandmother or the priest at your cousin's christening. Some parrots live over 50 years, which means they'll repeat that one embarrassing sentence for decades, possibly at your funeral. Choose your words carefully around parrots. They are recording, always.

259. Should I tell my hamster the wheel isn't going

anywhere?

No. Let him have his dream. He's training for something big. Hamsters can run several kilometres in a single night on their wheel, which means your hamster has probably run farther than you have this year. In his mind, he's crossing continents, fleeing from danger, chasing glory. If you told him the truth, he'd be crushed. So just let him run. In the morning, when he's asleep in a pile of wood shavings, leave a sunflower seed by his bed as a medal. He earned it. He's been to Moose Jaw and back.

260. Does my cat knock things off tables to test gravity?

Yes. Your cat is a physicist confirming that gravity still works. It has never failed, but science demands repetition. The cat begins each experiment the same way: approach the object, stare at you, slowly push it toward the edge with one paw and watch it fall, all while maintaining eye contact. The cat then writes up its results in invisible ink and peer-reviews them with the neighbour's cat. So far, the findings have been consistent across 3,000 trials, including a vase, two glasses of water and your wedding ring. Nobel committee members are said to be "interested."

261. Can a dog be a vegetarian?

Offer a dog a carrot instead of a steak and you'll see the most disappointed face in history. Ask a vet before changing any pet's diet. Some dogs do enjoy carrots, green beans and apples as treats, which they eat with the enthusiasm of a kid who was promised dessert and got celery. If a dog is offered a salad, it will eat the croutons, look at you and lie down in protest. Dogs are not natural vegetarians, but they're natural opportunists, so if you drop a broccoli floret on the floor, they'll still check, just in case it's meat in disguise.

262. Why does my plant die when I care too much?

Plants are like cats: they prefer to be loved from a distance. Overwatering is how a lot of houseplants meet their end. You water it every day out of love, and its roots drown slowly while it wonders what it did to deserve this. Most houseplants want water when their soil feels dry, not every time you feel lonely. Some plants actually thrive on neglect, like snake plants, which can survive for weeks on sunlight and spite. If your plant is dying, put down the watering can, back away slowly and let it breathe. Love sometimes means doing less.

263. Is my dog smiling, or does he just have a lot of teeth?

He's smiling. He's thinking about you, or a sandwich. Either way it's sincere. Dogs have relaxed, open-mouthed faces when they're happy, often with their tongue flopping out to one side like a lazy scarf. Some dogs even do a "submissive grin," showing their front teeth, which looks terrifying but means "please love me." A dog's smile is the only smile in the world with zero hidden agenda, unless the agenda is a treat, which it often is. It's still sincere. He really, really loves treats. And you, maybe second.

264. Do fish fall asleep?

Yes, with their eyes open, because most fish don't have eyelids. They're the original "I'm just resting my eyes" people. Fish rest by slowing down, floating in place or tucking themselves under a rock like a blanket. Some fish make bubble cocoons or bury themselves in sand. A fish asleep in your aquarium looks exactly like a fish thinking very deeply about something. Don't tap the glass. It's like someone banging on your bedroom window at 3 a.m. and yelling "ARE YOU AWAKE?" Nobody likes that, fish included.

265. If my cat has nine lives, can I borrow one?

Cats don't share. Not food, not laps, and certainly not lives. A cat's nine lives are kept in a secret vault behind its eyes, guarded by whiskers. Each life is used for a different purpose: falling off a fridge, eating a rubber band, getting stuck in a tree, fighting a raccoon (see question 19), insulting a dog and so on. If you ask your cat for a life, it will slow-blink at you and walk away, which is a polite "absolutely not." You only get one. Cats find that hilarious and a little bit sad for you.

266. Can I name my plant and also eat it?

That's called a basil plant named Kevin. It's a complicated relationship. You water Kevin. You tell Kevin he's growing so big. Then one evening you snip off his leaves and sprinkle them on pasta. Kevin regrows, because basil is forgiving, but every time you pick up the scissors, Kevin's leaves tremble slightly. Herb gardeners live with this guilt every day. Mint, by contrast, does not care if you eat it, because mint will take over your entire garden no matter what you do. Mint isn't a pet. Mint is an empire.

267. Why do dogs tilt their heads when I talk?

They're adjusting the antenna to pick up the word "walk." Dogs process your speech, searching for important keywords like "treat," "good boy," "car" and "squirrel," then tilt their heads to hear better, like an old radio tuning in. Some dogs tilt left, others right, and some do a full 90-degree tilt that makes their ears flop sideways. It's adorable, and it's one of the main reasons people talk to their dogs in that ridiculous high voice. You know the one. You're doing it in your head right now.

268. Does my turtle need a bigger house?

The turtle brought his own house. He's the only renter with zero complaints. His shell is his home, his armour and his personality. It grows with him, so he never has to move. When he's scared, he pulls everything inside and pretends nobody's home, which is a skill most adults would pay good money for. His tank, however, could probably be bigger. Turtles like room to swim, bask and walk around slowly like a retiree in a mall. Give him a nice rock and a heat lamp, and he'll be content for decades. Some turtles outlive their owners. Plan accordingly.

269. Is a rock a low-maintenance pet?

The lowest. It never needs walking, never eats and is loyal to the end. Its only flaw is a lack of enthusiasm. In the 1970s, pet rocks became a craze, sold in little boxes with straw and an instruction manual, and millions of people bought them. The rocks sat. The owners loved them. It was the purest relationship in history. Pet rocks can be taught tricks like "sit" and "stay" almost instantly. "Roll over" requires a hill. If your pet rock ever runs away, call the police immediately. Something has gone very wrong.

270. Why does my cat sit on my keyboard?

Your laptop is warm and you're paying attention to it. That's two crimes against the cat. The cat sees you staring at a glowing rectangle for hours and decides to take matters into its own paws. It walks across the keys, typing "jjjjjjjjjjjkkkkkkkkkk" into an important email, and settles down right in the middle, purring. Some cats have accidentally closed documents, sent messages and joined video calls. One cat in Edmonton reportedly approved an expense report. The cat is not sorry. The cat is warm now. You can work later.

271. Can dogs understand TV?

Dogs mostly watch TV for the dogs on TV. The plot does not interest them. They'll ignore a 3-hour epic about kingdoms and dragons, but bark furiously at a 15-second ad for dog food. Nature documentaries are big hits, especially anything with squirrels, horses or other dogs. Some dogs walk behind the TV to find the animals, which is adorable and also how they unplug it. There are channels made specifically for dogs, showing calm music and grassy fields, which dogs sometimes watch and sometimes ignore entirely to lick their own feet.

272. Do sunflowers get dizzy following the sun?

Young sunflowers really do track the sun across the sky and swing back overnight. They're dizzy, but proud. Imagine spending your whole childhood turning your head east to west every day, then at night swinging back to face east and wait for the sun again. That's dedication. Once sunflowers mature, they mostly settle down facing east, like retirees who have found their favourite chair. A field of sunflowers all facing the same way looks like a crowd at a concert, waiting for the main act. The main act is the sun. It never cancels.

273. If my dog eats my homework, is he smarter now?

No, but he knows more about long division than most dogs. He also knows the capital of Peru, a few French verbs and half your essay on the water cycle. Knowledge, however, does not travel from the stomach to the brain, as many students have hoped. Your dog will spend the evening looking proud and slightly ill. You'll spend it rewriting your homework while explaining to your teacher that, yes, the dog really did eat it, and here's a photo of him looking guilty next to a soggy page. See question 154 for your next steps.

274. Why does my cat bring me "presents" from outside?

It's a gift and a gentle insult. Your cat thinks you can't hunt and is trying to help. Every morning you walk into the kitchen and step on a small, slightly damp leaf, mouse or sock, placed carefully on the doormat like a delivery. The cat watches from the corner, waiting for your reaction. If you scream, the cat assumes you didn't like that particular model and will try a different one tomorrow. The best response is to say "thank you" and dispose of the gift later, when the cat isn't looking. Never hurt its feelings. It has a long memory.

275. Can I put a sweater on my fish?

The sweater will get wet and the fish will feel judged. Fish come pre-dressed in scales. Scales are waterproof, stylish and come in every colour of the rainbow, from goldfish orange to betta-fish purple. A fish in a sweater would sink, look ridiculous and be the laughing stock of the aquarium. Some people knit tiny sweaters for penguins rescued from oil spills, which is real and lovely, but penguins are birds, not fish, and they wear their sweaters with dignity. Fish are already fashionable. Let them swim free in their sequins.

276. Do plants know when it's the weekend?

No, so they keep photosynthesizing on Saturdays. Plants have the worst work-life balance in the house. They work from sunrise to sunset, seven days a week, turning light into food with no breaks, no vacation and no union. They don't even get Sundays off, and they've never once asked for a raise. The only time a plant rests is in winter, when it goes dormant, which is basically a long, unpaid sabbatical. Meanwhile, you're on the couch watching TV. Your plant sees that. It says nothing. It just quietly grows toward the window, dreaming of a better job outside.

277. Is my dog guarding the house, or just yelling at leaves?

Both. To him, the leaves are intruders, and he has stopped every single one. His daily report includes: 47 leaves warned, three squirrels chased off, one mail carrier repelled (temporarily; the mail carrier returns every day, which drives him wild) and a plastic bag that was clearly up to something. He considers himself the head of security, and he's never lost a house. When you come home, he greets you like he's been holding the line against an invasion all day. He has. Everyone is safe. Give the man a biscuit.

278. Why does my cat love the box more than the toy that

came in it?

The box is a house, a fort and a hiding place. The toy is just a toy. Your cat understands real estate. A box offers four walls, a roof (optional) and excellent ambush opportunities. Cats feel safe in tight spaces, so a box is basically a tiny cat condo. You spent $40 on a fancy toy with feathers and lights; the cat spent four hours in the box it came in, plotting. Some cats will sit in a square drawn on the floor with tape, as if it were a box. That's not a hiding spot. That's a cat with an imagination.

279. Can my goldfish remember me?

Yes. Goldfish memories last for months, not three seconds as the myth claims. Yours remembers you, especially at feeding time. Goldfish can recognize their owners and even learn to swim to a certain corner when it's time to eat. They remember the person who feeds them, the person who taps on the glass and the person who once tried to put them in a sweater (see question 275). The three-second myth was probably started by someone who felt guilty about a goldfish they forgot to feed. The goldfish remembers that too.

280. Is the spider in the corner technically a roommate?

If he's been there more than a week, yes. He does pest control for free. Name him. Popular names include Gary, Steve and Lord Leggington. He pays rent by catching flies and mosquitoes, and he never uses your shower or your Wi-Fi. He doesn't throw parties, doesn't play loud music and his web is a work of art. Sure, he occasionally drops down on a thread in front of your face, but that's just him saying hello. Spider roommates are the best roommates. Just don't ask what happened to the moth from last Tuesday.

281. Why does my plant lean toward the window?

It's trying to leave. Rotate it every week so it doesn't escape. Plants grow toward light, so if your plant is near a window, it will slowly stretch toward it like it's trying to wave down a taxi. Left alone for months, it'll lean so far it looks like it's checking the weather. Turning it a little each week keeps it straight and keeps it confused about which direction freedom is. If your plant is leaning away from you, specifically, that's different. That's personal. Maybe stop telling it about your coworkers.

282. Do rabbits ever finish chewing?

Never. Their teeth keep growing their whole lives, so they keep chewing. A life of constant snacking: the dream. Rabbits chew hay, carrots, cardboard, baseboards, phone chargers and the corner of your favourite book, purely to keep their teeth from growing to their knees. Watch a rabbit eat and you'll see their tiny mouth moving like a typist at 200 words per minute. They pause only to stare into space and occasionally do a spontaneous jump-twist called a "binky," which is how rabbits express joy. Imagine doing a backflip over a good sandwich.

283. If my dog wags his tail at a cat, is it a

misunderstanding?

Often, yes. A wag means "let's be friends" to a dog, while a twitching tail can mean "I'm annoyed" to a cat. This is the root of an ancient feud. The dog sees the cat's tail flicking and thinks "she likes me!" The cat sees the dog's tail wagging and thinks "he's furious!" They have been misunderstanding each other for thousands of years. Every cartoon chase is just a failed conversation. Some dogs and cats who grow up together learn each other's language and become best friends, which proves cross-cultural communication is possible, even with tails.

284. Can I get my succulent a babysitter?

Succulents need almost nothing. A babysitter would sit there for three weeks staring at it. Worst job ever. The babysitter would arrive, read the instructions ("water once in two weeks, maybe"), and then spend the rest of the time watching TV and eating your cereal. The succulent wouldn't even notice them. If anything, the babysitter would be tempted to water it every day out of boredom, which would kill it (see question 262). Just leave your succulent alone with a sunny window. It's an independent plant. It's been through deserts.

285. Does my cat think I'm just a large, clumsy cat?

Some experts suspect so. That explains the slow blinks, and the disappointment. In the cat's view, you're a huge, hairless cat who walks on two legs, can't climb curtains and can't catch a single mouse. You also have the bizarre ability to open the fridge. The cat tolerates you because of the fridge. It grooms you sometimes by licking your hand, which is its way of saying "you're a mess, but you're my mess." The cat brings you presents to help you learn (see question 274). It has very low expectations, and you still miss them.

286. Is it okay to take my plant for a walk?

Yes. It'll enjoy the sunlight and the attention from the neighbours. Carry it proudly in your arms, introduce it to other plants on the street and let it sniff, metaphorically, the flowers. Your neighbours will be confused at first, then curious, then they'll start bringing their own plants. Within a month there'll be a neighbourhood plant-walking club. It meets on Saturdays. There are snacks. The fern is the most popular member. Just don't take it out in a heavy wind, or your plant will become a projectile and you'll become a story.

287. Why does my dog eat grass and then look surprised?

He thought it would taste like a hamburger this time. It never does. Every day he runs into the yard full of hope, chews a mouthful of grass with great concentration, then stops and looks at you with total betrayal. Somehow he's still optimistic tomorrow. Dogs eat grass for many reasons: boredom, tummy trouble or plain curiosity. In his mind, the backyard is a giant salad bar, and he's searching for the one blade of grass that tastes like bacon. One day he'll find it. That day, he'll never come back inside.

288. Can parrots be lawyers?

They're great at repeating the same argument over and over, so they're halfway there. A parrot lawyer would walk into the courtroom, perch on the bench and say "Objection! Objection! Want a cracker!" until the judge agreed out of exhaustion. Parrots also have excellent memories (see question 258), loud voices and an intimidating beak, all useful in cross-examination. Their biggest weakness is that they get distracted by shiny objects, like the judge's earrings. Still, if a parrot ever passes the bar exam, hire it. It works for seeds.

289. Do lizards ever relax, or do they always look worried?

That is their relaxed face. Lizards always look like they've just remembered they left the stove on. Their eyes are wide, their mouths are set in a permanent "oh no" and they hold perfectly still as if trying to recall something important. In reality, a lizard on a warm rock is the most relaxed creature on Earth: sunbathing, digesting and contemplating nothing. Some lizards do push-ups to show off, which proves they have more energy than most of us. If you ever see a lizard that looks calm, it's probably plotting something. Or it's a statue.

290. Why do cats meow at humans but not at each other?

Adult cats mostly meow to talk to people. It's like learning a whole language just to complain to you. With other cats, they use body language, hisses, purrs and long, intense stares. With humans, they've developed a whole vocabulary of meows: a short one for "hello," a long one for "food," a loud one for "FOOD" and a sad, small one for "you closed a door and now I'm on the wrong side of it." Some cats are so talkative they'll hold full conversations with you. You won't understand any of it. They don't care. They're just glad you're listening.

291. Is my plant being dramatic, or is it really dying?

Peace lilies famously flop over when thirsty and spring back after a drink. They're the actors of the plant world. A peace lily will collapse dramatically like a Victorian lady fainting on a sofa, leaves draped everywhere, as if it has been abandoned for years. You give it one glass of water, and two hours later it's standing upright, glowing, as if nothing happened. No apology, no explanation. Other plants are less theatrical but still dramatic in their own ways: ferns drop leaves to make you feel guilty, and orchids just refuse to bloom out of spite.

292. If my dog had a job, what would it be?

Professional greeter. He's been practising at the front door every day of his life. He would welcome every customer like a long-lost family member, sniff their bags for snacks and wag so hard his entire back half moves. Customer satisfaction would be 100%. Other possible dog careers include security guard (see question 277), food taster, couch tester, emotional support specialist and the chief of floor-crumb removal. The only job he'd fail at is mail carrier. He has strong opinions about mail carriers. They're the enemy.

293. Can a hamster ride a cat?

Not without a very long negotiation first. Cats don't give rides; they give looks. The hamster would have to approach the cat with a peace offering, possibly a sunflower seed or a compliment about its whiskers. The cat would consider the offer for 40 minutes and then decide that the hamster is either a snack or a toy, neither of which is a passenger. In rare cases, pets raised together do become friends, and there are videos online of hamsters riding on cats' backs like tiny cowboys. Do not try this at home. The cat might accept. The hamster might not survive the honour.

294. Why does my dog bring me his toy and then refuse to let go?

He wants tug-of-war, not fetch. It's a trap you fall into every day. He drops the toy at your feet, looks up with big hopeful eyes and the moment you reach for it, he clamps down and growls playfully. You pull. He pulls. You both pretend you're competing, but he's been training for this his whole life. He always wins. When you finally give up, he drops the toy again and stares. That's round two. There are no rules and no end. You're not playing with the dog. The dog is playing with you.

295. Should I water my fake plant?

Only if you want a fake flood. Dust it and tell it it's doing great. Fake plants are the most low-maintenance member of your home décor family. They never need sunlight, never drop leaves and never die, which also means they never grow and never surprise you. Some people water their fake plants for months before realizing the truth. One man in Lethbridge watered a plastic fern for three years and was devastated when he found out. The fern looked great, though. Possibly better than all his real plants.

296. Do bees think flowers are restaurants?

Exactly that. Every flower is a tiny drive-thru, and bees are on an endless food tour. Bees visit thousands of flowers a day, sipping nectar and collecting pollen like a food critic sampling every restaurant in town. Each flower has its own menu: lavender is a fancy French bistro, clover is a family diner and dandelions are fast food, cheap and everywhere. Bees rate them by doing a little "waggle dance" back at the hive to tell their friends where the good stuff is. That's the original restaurant review. Five stars, buzz buzz.

297. Can a cat be a manager?

Every cat already thinks it's the manager. See question 13, regarding geese. Cats would run an office with an iron paw: daily meetings would be cancelled because the cat is napping, reports would be pushed off desks to "test gravity" (see question 260) and every employee would have to bring snacks. Promotions would go to whoever has the warmest lap. Cat management style involves ignoring everyone for hours and then demanding attention at the worst possible time, which, to be fair, is how a lot of human managers work too.

298. Is it rude to tell my dog he's not a person?

Very rude. He's had a long week. Let him sit on the couch like he pays taxes. In his mind, he's part of the family: he has his own bed, his own toys, his own favourite chair and his own birthday party. He sits at the dinner table with the full confidence of someone who's been invited. He watches TV with you. He has opinions about your partner. If you told him he wasn't a person, he'd be crushed, and he'd stare out the window for hours. Let him believe. Get him a little tie for the holiday photo.

299. If my plant flowers, should I throw it a party?

Yes. See question 150. The plants are expecting you. A flowering plant is celebrating a major life milestone, like a graduation or a wedding. Decorate with some streamers, play gentle music and invite the other houseplants. The cactus will come if it's in a good mood. Speeches are encouraged. The orchid, who hasn't flowered in four years, will be jealous and might sulk in the corner. Serve water and a light fertilizer. Don't overdo it. Plants are bad at handling their drinks, and nobody wants to clean up after a tipsy begonia.

300. Who's really the pet here, me or the cat?

You are. The cat provides emotional support and you provide actual food. The cat got the better deal. Think about it: you clean its litter box, buy its food, take it to the doctor and open doors for it on demand. In return, it occasionally sits near you, sometimes on you and once a week lets you pet it for 11 seconds before biting your hand. You are on a leash; you just can't see it. The cat has trained you so well you think it was your idea. That's how good the cat is. Honestly, you should be proud to be its pet.