Nine to Five

Collected from break rooms, elevators and meetings that should have been emails.

701. If I work from home, am I working or am I home?

Both, at a level of about 60% each. Your cat thinks 100% home. That's why the cat walks across your keyboard during important video calls, sending messages like "jjjjjjjjjjjj" to your boss. Working from home means your commute is 11 steps, your dress code is a shirt on top and pyjamas on the bottom, and your coworkers are a dog, a fridge and a pile of laundry (see question 473). The fridge is the most distracting coworker. It keeps calling your name. The laundry is the most judgmental. It just sits there. The dog is the best colleague you've ever had. Great attitude. Terrible at spreadsheets.

702. Can I put "breathing" on my resume as a skill?

Only if you've done it professionally for at least 20 years. List it under "Core Competencies," next to "blinking (advanced)" and "sitting (expert level)." Recruiters spend only a few seconds looking at each resume, so you might get away with it. But if they ask for a reference, you'll need someone who has watched you breathe consistently over time. Your mom will do. She's been watching since day one. Other underrated resume skills include "finding the remote" (see question 465), "surviving Mondays" (see question 722) and "reply-all restraint" (see question 706). Those are real skills. Few have them.

703. Who keeps taking my yogurt from the office fridge?

Everyone suspects Dave. It's never Dave. It's always the quiet one from accounting. Office fridge theft is one of the most common workplace crimes, along with stealing pens (see question 736) and microwaving fish. People have tried everything: writing their name on their yogurt, writing "POISON" on their yogurt and installing tiny cameras in the fridge. One employee famously left an angry note that said "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE." The next day, the note was gone too. The thief had taken the note. Nobody has ever been caught. The quiet one from accounting just smiles, holding a spoon.

704. Is a coffee break a break from coffee?

No, it's a break with coffee. A break from coffee is called a crisis. Office coffee is a strange substance: it's usually made in a pot that hasn't been cleaned since 2011, it's either lukewarm or volcanic and it tastes like the inside of a filing cabinet. People drink it anyway, four cups a day, because it's free. The coffee break is a sacred ritual: you stand in the kitchen, stir your cup slowly and chat about the weather for exactly 10 minutes. It's the only time coworkers talk about anything other than work. It's the most productive part of the day.

705. Why do meetings about saving time take two hours?

Saving time requires a lot of time. It's an investment. First there's a meeting to schedule the meeting. Then there's the meeting, which starts 10 minutes late because someone can't find the link. Then there's a 20- minute discussion of the agenda, a 40-minute tangent about the parking lot and a 30-minute debate about what font to use. The final decision is to "take this offline," which means have another meeting. Studies show many workers consider most meetings unproductive. This book recommends one meeting rule: if it could have been an email, it should have been an email.

706. Can I reply-all to an out-of-office message?

Technically yes. Morally, you'll be fired by the universe. Reply-all is the most dangerous button in any office. One accidental reply-all can trigger a "reply-all storm," in which hundreds of people reply "please remove me from this list" to everyone, which causes hundreds more people to reply "STOP REPLYING ALL," which also goes to everyone. Some companies' email servers have crashed under the weight of a reply-all storm. Replying to an out-of-office message is even worse, because the out-of-office message will reply to you, and then you're both trapped in an infinite loop of politeness. Forever.

707. Does my boss know I'm on mute?

Yes. Everyone saw your lips moving for two minutes. It was beautiful. You delivered a passionate speech about quarterly goals to nobody. Then somebody said, "You're on mute," and you had to do the whole thing again, with less passion. "You're on mute" might be the most-said phrase of the 2020s. The opposite is worse: thinking you're on mute when you're not. Then everyone hears you yell at your dog, chew chips or sing along to the radio. Some people have accidentally said what they really think of the meeting. Always check twice. The mute button is your best friend and your worst enemy.

708. Is "per my last email" a threat?

It's the politest threat in the English language. It means "I already told you this, and I'm now forced to tell you again, and I'm furious, but I'm a professional." Other passive-aggressive office phrases include "as previously discussed" ("you weren't listening"), "just to clarify" ("you're wrong"), "friendly reminder" ("this is your last warning") and "thanks in advance" ("you will do this"). Office email is a secret language in which every sentence is polite and every meaning is violent. If someone writes "per my last email" in bold, start updating your resume.

709. If I look busy, am I busy?

In many offices, looking busy is a full-time job. Expert techniques include walking quickly while carrying a folder, sighing loudly at your screen and keeping a spreadsheet open at all times (see question 718). Some people walk around the office holding a coffee mug and a single sheet of paper, which makes them look important and in a hurry. Nobody ever stops them. They've been doing this for years. Typing very loudly also helps. Some workers even buy loud mechanical keyboards for this reason. The irony is that looking busy is exhausting. You'd have less work just doing the work.

710. Why is the printer always broken?

Printers can sense urgency. The more you need it, the more paper jams. Printers have more error messages than any other machine: "PC LOAD LETTER," "Paper jam in tray 2" (there is no tray 2), "Low cyan" (you're printing in black and white) and simply "Error," with a blinking orange light. Fixing a printer involves opening every door and drawer, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper and closing everything again, at which point it says "paper jam" anyway. There's a famous comedy movie scene where office workers take a printer to a field and destroy it with a baseball bat. Many viewers wept with joy.

711. Can I bring my goose to work?

Check your bring-your-pet policy. Brent has been banned from three office parks. At the first, he chased a delivery driver around the lobby. At the second, he sat in the CEO's parking spot and hissed at the CEO. At the third, he wandered into a board meeting and honked at a slide about quarterly profits, which, to be fair, were bad. Some offices allow dogs, and a few have cats, fish or even rabbits. No office has ever formally allowed a goose. Geese don't care about rules. Brent has a fake ID badge. Nobody knows who made it. The photo is very convincing.

712. What does "let's circle back" mean?

It means "never." Circles have no end, which is the point. Office jargon is a secret code used to sound busy while saying nothing. "Let's touch base" means "talk." "Let's take this offline" means "stop talking." "Low-hanging fruit" means "easy stuff." "Synergy" means nothing at all; it's just a sound people make in meetings. "Let's put a pin in it" means "let's forget this forever." "Bandwidth" means "time," and "I don't have the bandwidth" means "no." If you say all of these in one sentence, you'll be promoted to vice-president immediately.

713. Is a business casual Friday just Friday wearing jeans?

Yes. It's the week's way of saying it's tired too. Casual Friday became popular in the 1990s, partly because of a Hawaiian shirt campaign, and today it means jeans, sneakers and a slightly better mood. Some offices have gone fully casual, which means every day is Friday, which means Friday has lost its special power. Some people take casual Friday too far and show up in sweatpants, flip-flops or, in one story, a bathrobe. That's not casual. That's a cry for help. Business casual is a confusing dress code that nobody fully understands. It basically means "don't wear a tie, but don't wear pyjamas."

714. How do I ask for a raise without asking?

Sigh near your manager's desk. Look at a picture of a boat. Wait. Then start eating very cheap lunches in front of them, like plain rice or a single cracker. Mention how much you like your job, but how much your landlord likes money. Leave a printed article titled "How Much Are People in My Role Paid?" on the shared printer (if the printer works; see question 710). These strategies rarely work. The real way to get a raise is to ask directly, with evidence of your good work. It's terrifying. It's also how most raises happen. The boat picture is optional but recommended.

715. Why does the office smell like popcorn at 3 p.m.?

Someone microwaved it for 6 minutes. That person is now the most hated person on the floor. The smell of burnt popcorn is one of the strongest, longest-lasting smells known to humanity. It spreads through every hallway, sinks into the carpets and stays there for days. Some offices have had to evacuate because burnt popcorn set off the fire alarm. Other forbidden office microwave foods include fish, broccoli and eggs, which make the whole floor smell like a sad seaside. The person who microwaves fish is in a special category of villain, below Dave (see question 703), but above the person who never refills the coffee (see question 727).

716. Do CEOs have bosses?

Yes, a board of directors, and also their own kids. The board can fire the CEO. The kids can't, but they can make the CEO play "horsey" for an hour, which is more exhausting than any board meeting. CEOs answer to shareholders, customers, governments and, at home, a seven-year-old asking why the sky is blue (see question 757). Even the most powerful people in business get told to clean their room, eat their vegetables and put their phone away at dinner. Nobody is ever truly the boss. Even the queen had corgis telling her when it was time for a walk.

717. Can I call in sick because I'm sick of work?

That's not a sick day. That's a feelings day, and HR hasn't made a form for it yet. Some companies do offer "mental health days," which are a real and good thing. Other workers take a "sick day" and are then spotted at the beach by a coworker, which is a classic workplace story. If you do call in, never fake a cough. Everyone can tell. Your fake cough sounds like a goose (see question 13). Just say you're not feeling well. It's true, technically. You're not feeling well about work. That counts. HR is working on the form. It's been in a meeting since 2018.

718. Is a spreadsheet just a table that went to college?

Yes, and it graduated with formulas nobody understands. A spreadsheet is a grid of boxes that holds numbers, words and the hopes and dreams of accountants. Some spreadsheets are so complicated that only one person in the company understands them, and when that person goes on vacation, the whole company panics. Spreadsheet mistakes have cost companies millions, from a misplaced decimal or a formula copied wrong. Some people use spreadsheets for everything: budgets, grocery lists, wedding plans (see question 690) and dating (see question 652). These people are very organized. They're also slightly scary.

719. Why do elevators make us silent?

It's an unspoken rule. Talking in an elevator is like singing in a library. Everyone faces the door, stares at the floor numbers and pretends to be very interested in the emergency phone. If two people are having a conversation when the doors open, they stop mid-sentence, as if the elevator is a church. Some psychologists say elevators make us uncomfortable because we're forced to stand too close to strangers in a small box. A few brave people have tried facing the back wall of the elevator as an experiment. Everyone else got deeply uncomfortable. Elevator rules are strong. Don't test them.

720. If I quit my job, do I need a two-week notice for my

plants?

Yes. Give them time to find a new person to ignore them. Office plants are a quiet community. They grow in dim light, survive on cold coffee and occasional water, and see everything: every meeting, every argument and every stolen yogurt (see question 703). If you leave, find them a good home. Ask someone to take over watering. Or take them with you, carrying them out of the building in a box with your stapler and a picture of a boat (see question 714). Leaving a plant behind is like leaving a pet at a gas station. Except for the plastic one (see question 746). That one stays forever.

721. Can I put my emotions in a slide deck?

Yes. Use pie charts. Most of the pie will be "tired." The rest will be split between "hungry," "confused" and "thinking about a nap." A thin sliver might be "motivated," but it shows up only on Tuesdays. Slide decks, also known as presentations, are where office ideas go to be split into bullet points, decorated with clip-art and then read aloud word for word, which is the cruellest thing you can do to an audience. Some presentations have 140 slides. The record is unknown, because the people who saw it are still in the meeting room. Keep it short. Use pictures of dogs. Everyone loves dogs.

722. Who invented Mondays?

Nobody invented them. They were found, like a fossil, and we've regretted it ever since. As question 566 explained, the Babylonians gave us the seven-day week, and Monday came along with it. The name comes from "Moon's day," which is very poetic for such a disappointing day. Studies show that Monday is when people are grumpiest, and when the most people are late for work. Comic strip cats hate Mondays. Popular songs hate Mondays. Even Monday seems to hate Monday. The only people who like Mondays are florists, because nobody gets married on a Monday and they can finally rest.

723. Is team building just forcing adults to play games?

Yes. It's recess with a budget. Team-building activities include trust falls (where you hope Dave from question 703 catches you), escape rooms (where you discover your coworkers panic under pressure), ropes courses (where the boss gets stuck halfway up) and paintball (where years of office grudges are settled in one afternoon). Some companies hire professional facilitators who make adults introduce themselves by saying their name and their favourite vegetable. Nobody has ever been truly bonded by this. But everyone remembers that Gary said "radish" with way too much passion. It's a team now. Team Radish.

724. What happens if I press every button on the office

phone?

You'll put the CEO on hold, transfer someone to Iceland and start a conference call with yourself. Office phones have dozens of mysterious buttons labelled "CONF," "XFER," "PARK" and "FLASH," and nobody knows what any of them do. One of them plays hold music through the whole building's speakers. One of them calls the receptionist from 2009, who no longer works there but still answers. One of them is just for decoration. Most people only know two buttons: "speaker" and "hang up." If an office phone ever rings, everyone stares at it in fear. Nobody calls office phones anymore. It must be bad news.

725. Why are office chairs so spinny?

They're built for thinking. Spinning is how adults think. Every office worker has spun in their chair at least once while waiting for a file to load, looking at the ceiling and pretending to solve a problem. Some go further, racing chairs down hallways, spinning until dizzy or using a chair as a scooter to cross the office without standing up. Office chairs also have mysterious levers underneath that make the seat suddenly drop 20 centimetres, which happens at the worst possible moment, usually during a video call. The chair is having fun. You're not.

726. Can my out-of-office message just say "no"?

That's very efficient. It also leads to a meeting about your out-of-office message. Out-of-office messages are a small art form. The basic one says "I'm away until Monday." The honest one says "I'm on a beach and I will not be checking email." The brutal one says "I'll be deleting all emails received while I'm away, so please resend anything important when I'm back." Some people have written funny ones, poems or long stories about their trips. Some forget to turn theirs off, and keep sending "I'm on vacation" messages for months. Their coworkers start to wonder if they ever came back.

727. Is there a word for the person who never refills the

coffee pot?

Yes, and it can't be printed in this book. Let's just say it rhymes with "villain" and also with "pot-stealin'." This person pours the last cup of coffee, leaves one tablespoon in the bottom of the pot and walks away while the burner slowly turns it into tar. They'd rather leave three drops than make a fresh pot. Some offices post signs like "IF YOU TAKE THE LAST CUP, MAKE MORE," which have never once worked. The coffee-pot villain is usually the same person who leaves the printer empty and puts empty milk cartons back in the fridge. Watch out for them. They walk among us.

728. If I use a standing desk, do I have to stand for the whole job?

No. Most standing desks are just desks that sit very ambitiously. People buy standing desks full of hope, stand for two days with great pride and then lower them permanently to sitting height. The desk retires early. Standing desk owners also tend to mention it a lot: "I've been standing all morning," they'll say, while you sit there, judged. Some people put treadmills under their desks so they can walk while they work, which is impressive until they try to type during a phone call while slightly out of breath. Everyone thinks they're running from something. Maybe they are.

729. Why do we say "nine to five" when everyone works

later?

It's a nostalgic phrase, like "good old days" or "free parking." The idea of an eight-hour workday became common in the early 1900s, after decades of workers fighting for it with the slogan "eight hours for work, eight hours for rest, eight hours for what we will." Today, many people answer emails at 11 p.m. in bed, which was not what those workers had in mind. A famous country song made "nine to five" a household phrase, and it's still sung at karaoke bars by tired office workers on Fridays (see question 713). They sing it with real feeling. Very real.

730. Do bosses dream about meetings?

Yes. In their dreams, every meeting ends early and everyone's camera is on. Sometimes the dream turns into a nightmare: the projector won't work, everyone's on mute (see question 707) and the slides are all pictures of geese. Then a goose walks into the meeting (see question 711). Then the boss realizes they forgot to wear pants. Workplace dreams are extremely common, and many people dream about forgetting a deadline or showing up to the wrong meeting. If you dream about your job, it means you're either very dedicated or very stressed. Usually both. Take a vacation. Turn on your out-of-office (see question 726).

731. Can I schedule a meeting with myself?

Many people do. It's the only meeting where nobody interrupts. They block off time on their calendar called "focus time," "deep work" or simply "busy," so coworkers can't book them for other meetings. During that time, they might work, eat lunch or stare out the window thinking about llamas. The calendar can't tell the difference. Some people schedule meetings with themselves and then cancel them, which is the purest form of freedom available in an office. You can also be late to your own meeting, and you won't be mad at yourself. That's a healthy work relationship.

732. Is a lanyard a necklace for jobs?

Yes. It's corporate jewellery. A lanyard holds your ID badge, which opens doors, proves you work there and displays a photo of you looking startled under bad lighting. People wear lanyards proudly at conferences, where they're decorated with company logos, name tags and little ribbons that say "SPEAKER" or "FIRST TIME HERE." Some people forget to take their lanyard off and wear it to the grocery store, revealing their name, job and terrible photo to strangers. It's like walking around with your resume around your neck (see question 702). The badge photo will haunt you forever.

733. Why does the Wi-Fi go down right before a deadline?

The Wi-Fi panics too. It's one of us. It has known about the deadline for weeks and done nothing, just like you. Then, at the last moment, it collapses under the pressure and starts blinking orange. You'll unplug the router, count to 10, plug it back in and stare at it like it owes you money. It'll take five agonizing minutes to reconnect. You'll have 30 seconds left. You'll submit the file at 11:59 p.m. and collapse. The Wi-Fi will then work perfectly for the next three weeks, as if nothing happened. It's toying with you. It always has been.

734. What's the best excuse for being late?

The truth, which is usually "I hit snooze five times." Other excuses have been used so many times they no longer work: traffic, the bus (see question 404), a flat tire and "my alarm didn't go off." Some excuses are so strange they must be true, like "a moose was standing in my driveway" or "a goose chased me into a hedge" (Brent has been involved in several of these). Some bosses keep a list of their employees' best excuses. The best one ever reported was "I accidentally got on a plane." That's commitment. That's an excuse with a boarding pass.

735. Can I expense a nap?

Only if you call it a "productivity recovery session." Some companies actually have nap pods: futuristic sleeping capsules where employees can take a 20-minute snooze in the middle of the day. Studies suggest short naps can improve focus and mood. Other workers nap secretly in their cars, in bathroom stalls or with their eyes open during long meetings (see question 705). Some have perfected the "head in hands, looking at a document" nap, which looks like deep concentration. Your accounting department will not reimburse naps. But they may be napping themselves. Look closely.

736. Why are there so many pens in an office but none when

I need one?

Pens migrate to the desks of people who never return them. See question 394. Every office has a pen hoarder whose desk drawer contains 200 pens from 40 different companies, hotels and banks. They didn't steal them. They just "borrowed" them and forgot. When you need a pen, you'll find only a dried-out highlighter, a pencil with no point and a pen that works only when held upside down. Then you'll write the note in your own blood. Kidding. You'll use the highlighter. The note will be bright yellow and impossible to read. That's office life.

737. Is a job interview just a first date with paperwork?

Yes. And if they ask your greatest weakness, "chocolate" is a valid answer. Like a first date, you dress up, show up early, try to seem confident and laugh at their jokes even when they're not funny. They ask strange questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?" (honest answer: "asleep") and "if you were an animal, what would you be?" (correct answer: never "a goose"). At the end, they say "we'll be in touch," which, like "we'll see" (see question 782), can mean anything. Then you wait by the phone for a week. Just like dating. Except the job also pays you.

738. Do robots get days off?

Only during software updates. Factory robots can work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, without lunch, coffee breaks (see question 704) or complaints. They don't take sick days, ask for raises or microwave fish in the office kitchen (see question 715). That makes them excellent workers but terrible people to talk to at the holiday party. When robots do take a break, it's usually for maintenance or an update that takes 45 minutes and restarts them three times. Some robots in Japan have been given retirement ceremonies when they're replaced, which is honestly very sweet. Nobody got the robot a cake, though.

739. Why do we clap when a plane lands but not when a

meeting ends?

We should. A meeting ending on time deserves applause. A meeting ending early deserves a standing ovation and confetti. Like a plane landing (see question 421), a meeting that finishes safely, on time and without anyone yelling is a small miracle. The pilot of the meeting (the person sharing their screen) has navigated the turbulence of tangents, the crosswinds of "just one more thing" and the sudden storm of someone saying "quick question" (see question 742). If you start the clap, you'll get funny looks. Then someone will join in. Then everyone. Then you'll be promoted. Or fired. It's a gamble.

740. Can I bring my own chair to an office?

Yes. You'll be the most comfortable person there and the most talked about. Some people bring their own fancy ergonomic chairs, which cost as much as a used car (see question 690) and have more adjustable parts than a spaceship. Others bring a recliner (see question 493), a beanbag or a yoga ball, which they bounce on during calls. The yoga ball person is a legend in every office. They always seem cheerful. They also occasionally fall off backwards in the middle of a presentation. If you bring a chair, label it. Office chairs get stolen more than yogurt (see question 703).

741. Is a whiteboard just a chalkboard that went to therapy?

Yes. It's cleaner and less squeaky. Whiteboards came along and replaced chalkboards in many offices and schools. They brought new problems, though: the markers always dry out, someone always uses a permanent marker by mistake and nobody ever erases the board properly, so there are ghost words from meetings in 2017 still visible underneath. Office whiteboards always contain a half-erased diagram, the words "DO NOT ERASE" and a small drawing of a cat that nobody admits to drawing. That cat has been there for years. It is the true employee of the month (see question 439).

742. Why do people say "quick question" before a long

question?

Because "long, complicated question that will ruin your afternoon" sounds too honest. A "quick question" is never quick. It starts as "do you know where the stapler is?" and turns into a 40-minute discussion of the company's filing system, a dispute about who borrowed the stapler and a tour of three floors looking for it. Other misleading phrases include "just a heads-up" (big problem incoming), "when you get a chance" (now) and "no rush" (huge rush). If someone appears at your desk saying "got a sec?" they mean "got an hour?" Answer accordingly. Bring snacks.

743. If I'm on hold for an hour, am I technically employed by the phone company?

You should be. Send them an invoice. Being on hold is a job: you have to stay alert, listen carefully for a human voice and endure endless smooth jazz (see question 388). Every few minutes, a recorded voice says "your call is important to us," which is the biggest lie in customer service. If your call were important, they'd answer it. Some hold queues are so long that people have finished entire puzzles, baked bread and taught themselves the ukulele while waiting. When someone finally answers, you'll be so surprised you'll forget why you called. Then they'll transfer you. Back to the jazz.

744. Do lunch breaks count if I eat at my desk?

It's a break for your lunch, not for you. Eating at your desk is called "desk lunch," and it's a sad affair: a soggy sandwich eaten with one hand while answering emails with the other, leaving crumbs in your keyboard forever. Studies suggest keyboards can be dirtier than a toilet seat, largely because of desk lunches (see question 499 about the remote). Health experts recommend taking a real break: going outside, walking around the block and eating somewhere with a view. Your sandwich deserves better than a keyboard. So do you.

745. Can I name my computer?

Yes. Gerald from question 48 has a cousin in IT named Kevin. Kevin is a 2015 laptop that takes nine minutes to start, runs very hot and makes a whining noise when you open more than two tabs. Kevin has been dropped twice and has a sticker of a cartoon frog on the lid. Naming your computer is very common and makes it harder to replace, because you get attached. The IT department will try to take Kevin away for an "upgrade." You'll refuse. You'll say "Kevin still works." Kevin does not still work. But you love Kevin. That's what matters. Kevin knows.

746. Why does every office have one plant that never dies?

It's plastic. Nobody has checked in 7 years. People still water it. One employee has been lovingly misting the leaves every Friday since 2016 and has no idea. The plant is thriving. It's the healthiest thing in the office. It sits next to the printer (see question 710), collecting dust (see question 457), and survives everything: renovations, layoffs and three different managers. Some offices have plastic plants so realistic that they've won the office plant-care award. The plastic plant will outlive us all. It's the true office survivor. It deserves a lanyard (see question 732).

747. Is a performance review a performance?

Yes. Both sides are acting. Nobody gets an award. The manager reads from a form, saying things like "meets expectations" and "opportunities for growth," which means "fine" and "not fine." The employee nods seriously, says "that's valuable feedback" and writes notes that are actually a grocery list. Both of them want to go to lunch. Some reviews use a 1-to-5 rating scale, and everybody gets a 3, because a 5 would mean a raise and a 1 would mean paperwork. If you ever get a 5, frame it. Put it next to your bike speeding ticket (see question 420).

748. How many emails is too many emails?

If you need a second inbox to hold your first inbox, it's too many. Office workers get dozens or even hundreds of emails a day, and some people have more than 40,000 unread messages. They've given up. The red notification bubble just says "99+" forever, like a scream frozen in time. Others practise "inbox zero," reading and sorting every email the moment it arrives. They are calm, organized and slightly frightening (see question 718). Some companies have tried "no email Fridays." Everyone just sent more emails on Thursday. Email is unstoppable. It's the goose of communication.

749. What should I do on my first day of retirement?

Sleep until 11, then call your old office and ask if they've fixed the printer. They haven't. Then hang up and laugh. After that, eat breakfast at noon, read an entire newspaper, take a nap (no permission needed, see question 735) and wonder what to do with your life. Many retirees say the first week feels like a vacation, the second week feels strange and by the third week they've taken up woodworking, golf or yelling at squirrels. Some start businesses. Some travel the world. Some just sit on the porch and wave at cars (see question 436). All of them are happier than the printer.

750. Is reading this book at work productive?

It counts as research. Tell your boss it's for question 750. If your boss asks what question 750 is, show them this answer. They'll read it, realize they've been tricked and then keep reading because they want to know about Brent. That's how this book spreads through offices: one confused boss at a time. Laughing at work is actually good for teams, reduces stress and makes meetings slightly more bearable. So this book is technically a productivity tool. Leave it on the break room table. Someone will pick it up during their coffee break (see question 704). Someone always does.