Health & the Human Body

None of the following is medical advice. Most of it isn't even advice.

71. Can I sweat out a bad decision?

You can sweat out water and salt. The bad decision stays, moves into your memory and replays itself at 2 a.m. Exercise does make you feel better about bad decisions, though, which is exactly how you make more of them. Researchers once put a man on a treadmill for six hours to sweat out a regrettable tattoo. He lost 2 kilograms and gained a second tattoo, because he felt so good afterward he went back to the same shop. Saunas are popular for this purpose in Finland, where people sweat out their bad decisions, then jump into a frozen lake to make another bad decision. It's very efficient.

72. If I hold my breath long enough, do I get bonus breath

later?

No. Breathing has no savings account and your lungs don't do rollover minutes. The only bonus is a slightly purple face, followed by your body overruling you and breathing anyway. Your body has a veto, and it uses it every time. Free divers can hold their breath for many minutes with training, but they still don't get to store it like a battery pack. If breath could be saved, people would hoard it in jars and sell it on the internet as "artisanal mountain air." Some people already do. Do not buy it. It's just regular air in a nice jar.

73. Do I need to brush the teeth I don't smile with?

Yes. The back teeth do all the chewing and get none of the credit, like the crew behind a movie. Neglect them and they'll unionize, and their first demand will be a root canal. The molars hold secret meetings at night where they discuss the front teeth, who are famous, photographed and constantly flossed. Wisdom teeth arrive late to these meetings, cause trouble and are usually removed by security. Brush all your teeth, especially the ones in the back, and say thank you occasionally. A happy molar is a quiet molar. An unhappy molar will make you pay, in cash, at the dentist.

74. If I sneeze in my sleep, who says bless you?

Nobody, which is why it basically doesn't happen. Scientists say the sneeze reflex mostly shuts down during deep sleep. We think your body is simply too polite to sneeze without a witness. It waits until you're awake, then sneezes three times in a row to catch up on the backlog. On the rare occasion someone does sneeze while sleeping, the pillow says "bless you" very softly, which is why pillows are always so warm. They're being kind. If you share a bed, your partner may also say it, but they'll also take the blanket afterward as payment.

75. My foot fell asleep. Is it dreaming?

Yes, of being a hand. Hands get rings, gloves and high-fives; feet get socks and stepped on. The pins and needles when it wakes up are just disappointment that it's still a foot. In its dream, it's waving at a parade, holding a coffee and wearing a beautiful watch. Then you stand up and it's back in a shoe, under a desk, next to the other foot, who is also bitter. If both feet fall asleep at once, they share a dream about being on vacation, lying on a beach, not walking. Wake them gently. Stamp lightly. Apologize to them for the socks you made them wear in 2014.

76. How many calories are in a nap?

Naps burn calories rather than contain them: about 20 for a 20-minute nap. A three-hour nap burns about 180 calories, plus your entire evening plans. Nutritionally, a nap is the only snack that makes you lighter. A power nap contains 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fat and 100% of your daily recommended dose of drool. Accidental naps on the couch are higher in confusion and may cause you to wake up unsure what year it is. Weekend naps are the most nutritious, especially if taken under a blanket that smells like laundry. Doctors recommend one nap a day. Cats recommend 16.

77. Can I get a refund on a cold?

All colds are final sale. They come with no receipt and no warranty, and usually last 7 to 10 days no matter what you do. You may exchange it for a different cold next month from a different family member. Some people try to return their cold by giving it to coworkers, but that's not a return; that's regifting. Chicken soup won't cure a cold, but it makes you feel cared for, and tissues with lotion make your nose feel like it's at a spa. The cold will leave on its own, usually at the exact moment you finally book a doctor's appointment, just to make you look dramatic.

78. If my knees crack, am I hatching?

Not yet, but you're getting close. When your knees, back and neck all crack at once, you'll finally emerge in your true form: a person who says "oof" when sitting down. Further stages include groaning when standing up, owning a favourite chair and saying "they don't make them like they used to" about bread. The final form is called Grandparent, which comes with special powers such as always having a candy in your pocket and remembering what things cost in 1974. The cracking sound is just your skeleton applauding your progress. Take it as encouragement.

79. Is my left hand jealous?

Very, if you're right-handed. The right hand gets to write, wave and throw, while the left mostly holds the phone and steadies things. It's the best supporting actor in your body, and it has never won the award. Every time you shake hands with someone, your left hand stands nearby, holding a coffee, pretending it doesn't care. At night, when you're asleep, your left hand sometimes practices its signature in secret. It's terrible. Show your left hand some love: let it brush your teeth once a week, or use it to eat a cookie. It won't be good at it, but it will appreciate being asked.

80. What do I do if my hiccups are too confident?

Humble them. Hold your breath, sip water slowly, or have a friend shout "boo." If they still won't stop, ignore them completely, because nothing deflates a confident hiccup like being ignored. Confident hiccups are loud, rhythmic and usually happen during funerals, job interviews and quiet moments at the library, where Marjorie will look at you over her glasses. Some people swear by eating a spoon of sugar or drinking from the far side of a glass, which looks ridiculous but makes the hiccups so embarrassed they leave. Never compliment your hiccups. It only encourages them.