The Customer Service Hall of Fame

Collected from retail workers, who asked to remain anonymous and also to lie down.

51. Do you have this in "the size I was last year"?

That size has been discontinued. It was a limited edition, made during a time when you walked more and snacked less. Check the back, next to your old metabolism, your high school jeans and the version of you who thought "one chip" was a real amount. The store does carry "the size I'll be after New Year's," but it's on back order until roughly March, then permanently cancelled. The clerk will kindly suggest "relaxed fit," which is retail code for "we've all been there." Buy the shirt that fits today. Today-you deserves nice things, and last-year-you never had a good taste in shirts anyway.

52. Is this free sample free?

Yes. That's the whole thing. That's why it's called a free sample and not a small purchase. Taking one is customer behaviour. Taking two is enthusiasm. Taking three is a lunch strategy. Taking six moves you from "customer" to "suspect," and the sample lady will begin tracking you through the store with her eyes and a tiny toothpick. If you loop back to the same table wearing a different hat, she knows. They always know. There is a secret network of sample ladies across the country, and your photo is on their fridge. You will be offered only crackers from now on. Plain ones.

53. Can I speak to the manager of the self-checkout?

The manager of the self-checkout is you. You hired yourself, trained yourself and are now complaining about yourself. Your performance review begins the moment the machine detects an unexpected item in the bagging area. The unexpected item is always your own wallet. You will be asked to remove it, then put it back, then wait for assistance, which arrives in the form of a teenager who taps the screen once, sighs and walks away. That teenager is the true manager of the self-checkout. Nobody hired them either. They just appeared one day, like a mushroom with a lanyard.

54. Does "Wet Paint" mean it's wet, or that I should check?

It means it's wet. It's not a suggestion, it's a spoiler. But humanity has never trusted a sign without testing it personally, which is why every Wet Paint sign has exactly one fingerprint next to it. Scientists believe this is the same instinct that made early humans touch fire, ice and the first cactus. Painters now plan for it: they apply an extra layer of paint just beside the sign, called the "poke zone," so nobody ruins the important parts. If you ever see a Wet Paint sign with no fingerprint, the paint is dry and the sign is lying. Report it to the authorities. The authorities are geese.

55. Do you have any more of the thing that's sold out?

Let me check the back, where we keep the things we don't have. Good news: there's plenty of nothing back there. Would you like a bag for that? The back room of every store is a mysterious place full of boxes that are always empty, a mop nobody has used since 2004 and a single employee eating a sandwich in silence. When the cashier says "let me check," they go back there, eat a bite of that sandwich and return. It's tradition. Occasionally they do find the item you wanted, but it's in the wrong size, a strange colour and has a price tag from the previous century.

56. Is this the line for the line?

Yes, this is the pre-line. It leads to the main line, which leads to a waiting area, which leads to a short line, which leads to a sign reading "Line Closed. Please Use Other Line." The other line is the original pre-line, which now goes around the building twice. Lines are a natural Canadian habitat, and people will join any line without knowing what it's for, just in case it leads to free doughnuts. The longest line ever recorded in Edmonton led to nothing at all. It formed because one man stopped to tie his shoe, and 300 people politely waited behind him for an hour.

57. Can we move the meeting to before it started?

Only if everyone agrees they've already attended. Honestly, it's the best kind of meeting. It's over, nobody remembers it, and the notes say "good discussion." Some companies have started holding all their meetings in the past, and productivity has gone up 300%. The only side effect is that employees occasionally get déjà vu during lunch and say "as I mentioned" about things they never mentioned. See question 69 for the legal implications. If anyone objects to the time change, schedule a meeting yesterday to discuss it. They'll have already agreed.

58. Is the meeting about too many meetings a meeting?

Yes, and it'll be followed by a meeting to discuss its action items. The only action item will be "fewer meetings." Progress will be reviewed at next week's meeting, which will be moved twice and then combined with the Thursday sync, which is itself a meeting about preparing for the Friday meeting. Eventually a task force will form, and task forces only exist inside meetings, like fish in water. The meeting about too many meetings is the snake eating its own tail, except the snake has a calendar invite and a slide deck called FINAL_v7_REAL.pptx.

59. Excuse me, is this where I am?

Yes. You are here. You have always been here, and no matter where you go, you'll be there too, which is both comforting and a little frightening. The mall map agrees and has put a red dot on you as proof. That red dot has been in the same place for 27 years, which means it has seen more of the mall than anyone. It has watched stores open, close and become phone repair kiosks. If you stand on the exact spot the red dot points to, legend says you'll be granted one free pretzel. Nobody has managed it. The dot is very small and the mall is very confusing.

60. Can I return the gift receipt without the gift?

You can, and you'll receive a receipt for the receipt. It's worth nothing, but it's a lovely keepsake. File it next to your expired coupons and the menu from the restaurant that closed in 2019. If you return the receipt for the receipt, you'll get a third receipt, and so on, until you have a small paper stack that legally counts as a novel. Some people have built entire family heirlooms this way. The cashier will be confused but supportive, and will ask if you'd like to sign up for the rewards program. You will say no. They will ask again. That's also part of the tradition.