Travel & Geography

The world is big, round, and full of people asking for directions to the place they're standing in.

31. Is the Pacific Ocean open on weekends?

The Pacific is open 24/7, every day of the year, and hasn't taken a sick day in roughly 200 million years. The dress code is strict: wet. No refunds. Hours on statutory holidays are the same as regular hours, and the waves keep coming even on Christmas, which some people find rude. The Pacific is the largest ocean on Earth, big enough to fit all the continents inside it with room left over for a tidy parking lot. Management is a combination of tides, whales and one very bossy octopus. The customer service line is just the sound of seagulls laughing. Leave your complaint at the beach.

32. What time does the 24-hour store close?

At 25 o'clock, a time that only appears when you desperately need milk. If you've ever arrived at a 24-hour store and found it closed, congratulations. You've found 25 o'clock. It's a secret hour, tucked between 2:59 a.m. and 3:00 a.m., when cashiers vanish to restock reality. During 25 o'clock, the lights stay on, the automatic doors stay closed and a single shopping cart rolls slowly across the parking lot by itself. Nobody knows where the staff go. Some say they eat breakfast with the people who run the 24-hour gym. Whatever happens, the milk is always back by 3:01.

33. Which side of the plane is the window seat on?

The side with the window. Both sides have windows, which is where the confusion starts. Airlines once tried putting every window on one side, but the plane kept tipping over from everyone leaning to look. They then tried planes with no windows at all, but passengers kept asking the pilot if they'd arrived yet, every four minutes, for the whole flight. Now windows are on both sides, with a middle seat in between for people who've made mistakes in life. The window seat gets the view, the aisle seat gets the freedom and the middle seat gets both armrests, by ancient law, as compensation for its suffering.

34. Is the North Pole cold because it's at the top?

Yes: heat rises, so the warmth floats off the top of the Earth into space, and the South Pole is cold because the cold sinks to the bottom. None of that is true. The real reason is that sunlight hits the poles at a low angle, so it spreads thin, like a small blanket stretched over a very big bed. Also, the poles have long, dark winters where the sun simply refuses to come up for months, like a teenager on summer vacation. And the snow reflects most of the sunlight that does arrive, sending it back to space with a polite "no thank you." The polar bears are fine with all of this. They packed accordingly.

35. Do they have the same moon in Australia?

Same moon, but it looks upside down from there compared to the Northern Hemisphere. That part is actually true. The "man in the moon" does a handstand once you cross the equator, and the crescent moon tilts the other way, like it's lying in a hammock. From Australia's point of view, of course, it's everyone else's moon that's upside down. There is only one moon, and everyone on Earth shares it, which makes it the oldest and most successful time-share in history. Nobody pays fees, nobody gets the good week and nobody has ever been allowed to redecorate. A few golf balls were left behind, but that's about it.

36. Does Canada have a back door?

Yes. It's called Nunavut, and it's mostly frozen shut. The spare key is under a moose. Please wipe your boots. Canada also has a side door (the Maritimes), a mudroom (Saskatchewan in April) and a front porch, which is the entire border with the United States, where everyone says sorry while holding the door open for 20 minutes. The back door is rarely used because it's so cold the doorknob sticks to your hand. Visitors who arrive through it are welcomed by a polar bear in a reflective vest who asks if you'd like a Timbit. Always say yes. The bear has had a long shift.

37. If I fly west fast enough, can I reach yesterday and cancel my dentist appointment?

Bad news: crossing the International Date Line heading west actually jumps you to tomorrow, where the dentist is already waiting, holding the little mirror and smiling. Cross it heading east and you get to live yesterday again. The dentist is there too. The dentist is always there. Dentists are the only profession that exists in every time zone simultaneously. Some say if you fly in circles around the date line fast enough, you can live the same Tuesday forever, which sounds romantic until you realize it's a Tuesday. Just floss. It's easier than time travel and the dentist will be less disappointed in you.

38. Is Antarctica worth the drive?

The drive is tricky, mostly because there are almost no roads and several oceans in the way. Your car's GPS will say "recalculating" for 14,000 kilometres and then start crying. But the scenery is stunning, the penguins are dressed formally and there's always parking. Antarctica is the coldest, windiest and driest continent, so pack a sweater, then another sweater, then the concept of a sweater. There's no permanent population, just researchers, who will be thrilled to see you because you're the first new face since February. Four stars; would be five, but the gift shop was closed and the only souvenir was frostbite.

39. Are the Rocky Mountains rocky all the way through, or

just on the outside?

All the way through. We checked, and there's no cream filling. The Rockies are the opposite of a chocolate truffle: crunchy outside, crunchier inside. Our team drilled a test hole near Banff hoping to find caramel, and found more rock, a very surprised marmot and a parking ticket. Geologists say the Rockies were pushed up over millions of years when bits of the Earth's crust crashed into each other in extreme slow motion, which is how all good mountains are made. If they had a cream filling, Alberta would be the world's largest dessert, and Calgary would be a slice.

40. How far is the equator from the middle?

Zero. The equator is the middle; it's the Earth's belt. The Earth actually bulges a little at the equator, so it's already wearing that belt a bit tight, especially after the holidays. It spins fastest there, about 1,670 km/h, which is why people at the equator always look slightly windswept. The equator runs through 13 countries and zero shopping malls. There is no actual painted line, which disappoints every tourist, so several countries have painted one anyway so people can stand with one foot in each hemisphere and pretend it feels different. It does not feel different. They take the photo regardless.